A Head for Hiking
Head for a hike, Tami Wynn
September 15th 2022
When life gets hard and starts to spin, I head for the woods where the water flows. The smell reminds me of my childhood when we ran the creeks. The sunlight that comes through the leaves reminds me that there is always light that shows up in the cracks of everything dark. The trees hold me like a baby, and I can cry freely. And the water might as well jump right into my soul and sweep it over. Slow appreciative trek in, and fast heart pumping climb out. I hike alone, always have, I feel God there waiting for me, everytime.
I'm writing this partly because I'm terrified, partly because I keep most things inside, and maybe I need to let a little out. But, largely I'm writing to inspire, comfort, and connect, in a world that can be so disconnected, shallow and brutally chaotic.
About a year ago, after a few minor medical issues, and tests were run, the doctors found a brain aneurysm. It was explained to me that I could go years without it rupturing, and they would just screen me every several months. I didn't take it too serious at the time, as I felt great, really no symptoms. After losing our brother and dad, I was already in a mindset of, "today is all we have", and I wanted to be as present with everyone as possible, and in every situation, still do.
Fast forward to now, the aneurysm has become a cause for concern, and located in a dangerous place. This has hit me pretty hard over the past couple weeks. It's made me think of every connection, every moment that's ever made me feel alive, the unconditional love (God) of my family and friends. Most of all, my boys. We've done life together, the three of us, for 18 years now. I've been mom and dad, we've held each other up through a lot of tragedies, but even more beautiful times. I want a few more 18 years with them.
Have I done enough, was I enough, am I enough? The people I'm close with ARE my home. Have I been a good enough listener, supporter, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, neighbor, human? I want time to do better, go after the things that make me better, stronger. I went down the "what if" road briefly, but that just creates panic. I know how much thoughts manifest things and situations, so I'm only looking at positive outcomes.
My Neurologist told me no more running or hiking alone, and no driving alone for long distances. And to keep a medical card on me at all times. Those who know me, know I laughed at all those crazy things he said.
I drive a lot (8 hour trip every weekend to see my boys), turn my music up real loud, let the wind whip through my car, sing, cry, think, and throw my worries out the window. And hiking... that's my ultimate release, that's where I'm in the arms of the angels. And sometimes I want to put headphones in and run as hard as I can until I feel like throwing up. I will not quit living and be held down by fear.
Before my dad passed (on his 70th birthday like a rock star!), he said that the only thing in life with meaning, is each other, the love and connections we share. Life is about making each other feel alive inside, and full of purpose, and doing activities that facilitate it all.
Over the last year, especially, I've been reflecting on my life, and my sons' lives. All the lessons, trauma, heartbreak, healing, happiness, spiritual moments, understanding, love...the dance of it all is like standing in the sunrise and sunset at the same time, with my heart on fire.
Tomorrow morning I go in for a cerebral angiogram to determine if the risks of surgery outway the risk of rupture. As I try to quiet my mind and my heart, whatever the outcome, I am grateful for every moment I am alive and can still express love to those around me.
To those who are trying to be strong enough to deal with something painful alone, don't do it, confide in those you trust. Please don't spend your life feeling alone, just because you don't want to burden anyone with your pain. We all need each other. It's easier to love than to let love in, but eventually that well will run dry if you don't replenish it with loved ones, and the things that fill your soul... nature, quiet connected conversations with God, growth from every moment lived, and nurture relationships that need mended.
To those who have ever moved my soul or inspired me, even if it were a small brief moment, thank you. I'm better because of you, I am eternally grateful.
When life gets hard and starts to spin, I head for the woods where the water flows. The smell reminds me of my childhood when we ran the creeks. The sunlight that comes through the leaves reminds me that there is always light that shows up in the cracks of everything dark. The trees hold me like a baby, and I can cry freely. And the water might as well jump right into my soul and sweep it over. Slow appreciative trek in, and fast heart pumping climb out. I hike alone, always have, I feel God there waiting for me, everytime.
I'm writing this partly because I'm terrified, partly because I keep most things inside, and maybe I need to let a little out. But, largely I'm writing to inspire, comfort, and connect, in a world that can be so disconnected, shallow and brutally chaotic.
About a year ago, after a few minor medical issues, and tests were run, the doctors found a brain aneurysm. It was explained to me that I could go years without it rupturing, and they would just screen me every several months. I didn't take it too serious at the time, as I felt great, really no symptoms. After losing our brother and dad, I was already in a mindset of, "today is all we have", and I wanted to be as present with everyone as possible, and in every situation, still do.
Fast forward to now, the aneurysm has become a cause for concern, and located in a dangerous place. This has hit me pretty hard over the past couple weeks. It's made me think of every connection, every moment that's ever made me feel alive, the unconditional love (God) of my family and friends. Most of all, my boys. We've done life together, the three of us, for 18 years now. I've been mom and dad, we've held each other up through a lot of tragedies, but even more beautiful times. I want a few more 18 years with them.
Have I done enough, was I enough, am I enough? The people I'm close with ARE my home. Have I been a good enough listener, supporter, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, neighbor, human? I want time to do better, go after the things that make me better, stronger. I went down the "what if" road briefly, but that just creates panic. I know how much thoughts manifest things and situations, so I'm only looking at positive outcomes.
My Neurologist told me no more running or hiking alone, and no driving alone for long distances. And to keep a medical card on me at all times. Those who know me, know I laughed at all those crazy things he said.
I drive a lot (8 hour trip every weekend to see my boys), turn my music up real loud, let the wind whip through my car, sing, cry, think, and throw my worries out the window. And hiking... that's my ultimate release, that's where I'm in the arms of the angels. And sometimes I want to put headphones in and run as hard as I can until I feel like throwing up. I will not quit living and be held down by fear.
Before my dad passed (on his 70th birthday like a rock star!), he said that the only thing in life with meaning, is each other, the love and connections we share. Life is about making each other feel alive inside, and full of purpose, and doing activities that facilitate it all.
Over the last year, especially, I've been reflecting on my life, and my sons' lives. All the lessons, trauma, heartbreak, healing, happiness, spiritual moments, understanding, love...the dance of it all is like standing in the sunrise and sunset at the same time, with my heart on fire.
Tomorrow morning I go in for a cerebral angiogram to determine if the risks of surgery outway the risk of rupture. As I try to quiet my mind and my heart, whatever the outcome, I am grateful for every moment I am alive and can still express love to those around me.
To those who are trying to be strong enough to deal with something painful alone, don't do it, confide in those you trust. Please don't spend your life feeling alone, just because you don't want to burden anyone with your pain. We all need each other. It's easier to love than to let love in, but eventually that well will run dry if you don't replenish it with loved ones, and the things that fill your soul... nature, quiet connected conversations with God, growth from every moment lived, and nurture relationships that need mended.
To those who have ever moved my soul or inspired me, even if it were a small brief moment, thank you. I'm better because of you, I am eternally grateful.
Today we are alive, let's not waste it! And as soon as I feel strong enough, I'll be on a soulful solo hike (and yes I always take protection and let someone know where I am).